Exhaustion...

Let's face it. Having kids on the spectrum while rewarding in so many ways, is EXHAUSTING.

It seems every minute of every day is caught up with something they need - often even when they're not home.  I find myself regularly at the end of the day curling up on the couch thinking I don't recall ever being this exhausted.

When the kids were younger, things were much more demanding physically. I would constantly be on the go running from one Doctor to the next.  By the time time you throw in Speech Therapists, Paediatricians, Neurologists, Psychologists, Occupational Therapists, Social Classes, Parenting Courses, Podiatrists, Optometrists, Dentists, Audiologists, School meetings and so on for five kids... it quickly becomes a never ending roller coaster of appointments.  For years it felt like I was at Doctor appointments five days a week.

There was both an upside and a down side to this.  The upside was the help and support my kids were getting. I spent more hours in speech therapy alone with various kids than I care to even begin to try to count. Back in the early days, I didn't balance it all too well.  By the time I had all five kids - especially given the 4 years of practice between #4 and #5, I was well versed in juggling it all. However I wasn't so good back then of taking care of me.

I have always been a night owl, but regardless of how good or bad my kids slept, I was still up half the night, every night.  Most times I would read - I used books as my escape from reality. A way to hide from life when it felt like it was too much, and it often was too much.  But I hadn't learned to find that balance between caring for the kids are caring for myself.

I ran myself into the ground, burning the candle at both ends and in doing so, I undermined the very core of what I was trying to achieve.  I didn't eat properly, I hardly drank any water - or anything else for that matter.  I saw food as something I had to deal with if I had time, not as something that was necessary and desirable to keep me going.  In short, I was well on the road to killing myself off at a young age because I refused to take care of me and only focused on my kids.  They never went without food, without water, without anything else they needed, yet I refused to give myself that same level of respect and care.

Thankfully I learned to change my habits before they cost me my life, and so I am still here, able to love and cherish my children, and also learning to love and cherish myself.  I am much more caring towards myself, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.  I still have lots to learn, but I'm open to learning now instead of being shut down to it.