Have you ever wished that your child on the spectrum becomes stuck on a fixation, that you could change the channel as easily as with the TV? Over the years, we have had many fixations go through our home. Everything from spinning or lining up objects to each child discovering a topic of interest they loved and sticking to it tighter than super glue.
For approximately ten years, for three of my children, I could by Christmas, Birthday, etc gifts months and months in advance, knowing that their interest wouldn't change. It was irritating at times, always needing to buy the same kinds of things, but more than anything, it made life ever so easy. I was grateful for this one area that wasn't a struggle. It was a given for the longest time as to what themes would do for each child and I would have Christmas shopping started in january (when things were on sale) finished by June and wrapped by October. It enabled Christmas to be one less stress, and more cheaply dealt with.
Some of the longest fixations in our home have been:
My Little Pony - Miss A for 10.5yrs
Star Wars - B-Man for 11yrs, then followed by Monkey Man for 5yrs (he's still somewhat in that phase)
The Littlest Pet Shop - JJ for 5yrs
Thomas The Tank Engine B-man for 7yrs and Monkey Man for 5yrs. They're both past the actual "Thomas" stage, but both are still mad train fanatics.
Tellietubbies - B-man for 5yrs. Amazingly, Tellietubbies are why B-man learned to talk... but that's a whole 'nother post.
Harry Potter - CB for 12yrs... this one is still ongoing, and she is completely obsessed. Miss A, JJ and Monkey Man are also mad on Harry Potter, but nowhere near the extent CB is.
A current new fixation in our home is YuGiOh and other Anime shows. The younger three are mad on it, but the girls in particular. They love it to the point, that I invested in some Science 'textbooks' written in the Anime style as I knew they would love them. It's pretty awesome when your 13yo wants to study physics by choice because of the enjoyable style in which it is presented. Another current one I'm sure *many* of you can relate to, is Minecraft.
One of the fixations that drove me insane for a while was the way B-man used to dress himself. It was definitely great once he learned how to do his clothes himself, but of course once he learned how, there was NO WAY ON EARTH he would let me do it for him. It then became a major point of frustration because holy cow, the amount of time it took was insane.
B-man would start by picking out the shirt he wanted to wear. He would then make sure the floor was clear in the room, and if it was, he would lay the shirt down on the floor. Every crease & wrinkle had to be smoothed out of it and the shirt had to lay completely straight.
Next he would choose his pants. These had to be perfectly colour coordinated with his shirt, and would then also be laid out on the floor, perfectly flat and lined up directly below the shirt, with every wrinkle smoothed out. Socks were laid out and smoothed at the end of each pant leg, then shoes would be laid out below the socks.
He would then walk around the clothes a couple of times inspecting them, before sitting above the neck of the shirt and proceeding to put on each article of clothing in order. If something was bumped out of order, moved by a sibling, etc... the shirt would go back on the floor, every wrinkle would be smoothed out again & he would begin the dressing process once more. It took FOREVER. For him though, it was a comfort. He had a level of control over how it was done, and in being allowed to do it, he started each day on a slightly calmer note.
A lot of people have the view that "feeding the child's obsession" is a bad thing. I see it differently. If your child has a fixation with something, it is obviously something that gives them a level of comfort and security in this world. Considering what a struggle it can be for some of our kids to adapt and cope with everything that goes on in society, how bewildering social "norms" are to them. How mixed up our language is when we say one thing yet mean something completely different.
I have kept an eye on how far these obsessions go, especially when the kids were younger, and I did not just give them everything they wanted. I made conscious choices on what I did or did not buy them, how much time was allowed to be spent watching TV, playing computer games, etc. But after a trip to the shopping centre where the bright lights, loud noises, colours, masses of people, etc was an overload to each of their senses, being able to come home and relax be it with Thomas trains, a Harry Potter book or movie, Star Wars lego or light sabres and so forth, gave my children the perfect avenue to be allowed some alone time to wind down, pull themselves back together, and find themselves again.
Was it always that easy to wind them down after an outing, simply by letting them have time with their toys of choice? Absolutely not. Many were the days where nothing would work in calming them down. When we'd come home with not only them out of their trees from over stimulation, but myself also. While the kids were young, the mere task of heading out with 4 kids under 5 years old was exhausting in itself without adding in all the other challenges we faced.
Nowadays, it is much easier to take them all somewhere, but it can still be exhausting and quite the juggling act based on whose personality is clashing with whose on that particular day, who has or hasn't slept enough so may be on edge, is B-man having heart pain, has Monkey Man been toileted in order to avoid an accident, and so forth. Other days it can be as simple as watching them climb in the car, head to our destination, do what we went for and come home... and those days, I count as true blessings and gifts for I treasure them.
Over time, I have also worked extremely hard at helping my kids learn that hey, if something doesn't go your way... it's OK. Here & there I made small changes to the way things were done, or the way their things were laid out. Not enough to set them off, but enough to help then gradually learn and come to understand that life isn't fixed. Things are unpredictable, they change and we need to be able to adapt and adjust to those changes.
One example is the charts I had for how to clean their bedrooms. I made them using a combination of pictures and words. They started off laid out one way with directions in a certain order. As the kids got the hang of doing things, gradually I weaned them off the charts. Once they were cleaning their rooms more independently, I'd change the order in which they did things, by throwing different requests in such as bringing their dirty washing out at the start of cleaning instead of the end.
These days, while the kids each still have certain things they insist on being done certain ways, or obsessive interests, I'm seeing ways in which my efforts to teach them to be more flexible has been a huge benefit to all of us. They no longer freak out if routines change, or if something unexpected happens at school. We still have routines, but we're not locked rigidly into doing certain things at certain times - although if 5.30 hits & dinner isn't done, Monkey Man is sure to ask me where it is - however most days he doesn't have a fit if I tell him it's not ready yet.
It's an ongoing task, continuing helping the kids learn new steps in relaxing, going with the flow, learning to stay calm. Keeping a balance between routine and switching things up is definitely the key. The older ones are much better with it all than Monkey Man, but even he has improved in leaps and bounds over the last 12 months. It's awesome to see those lightbulb moments when things click and they learn a new concept, I love it. :)
~M~
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