I was telling them today how I feel that strength is subjective. What we face in life is also subjective. What we do or don't face, what we work through each day is different for each of us. If we sit back & judge who we are, what we have done, our level of strength or faith based on what we perceive to be true about those around us... we'll never find the courage to really and truly accept our own strength. Our own faith for what it is. We will continue beating it down, hiding it away because we don't accept that is truly IS enough. That WE are enough.
I'm guilty of doing that myself, all too often. Then at times, I'll have a moment of clarity... an "aha" moment & be able to see parts of me for what they really are instead of what I perceive them to be. In those moments it's like a window opening and the light shining into the parts of my being that I work so hard to hide from myself... yet they're the parts I should be allowing to shine instead.
Instead of writing it all out again, here's the crux of what I wrote to one of my friends last night:
Honey, that's the thing with the big
picture.... it's big. We don't have to understand it all, we just have to
get through our piece of it & do the best we can in our little corner of
the world. What is my best or your best or someone else's best are 3
completely different things because we're three completely different people.
Besides...
if you had been dealing with everything I have dealt with... it'd mean you had
5 Autistic kids. BE GLAD you don't LOL.
My best today was sitting on
the couch with a hot drink & doing nothing. Yup, nothing all day
long. I just couldn't face anything else. Sometimes life is overwhelming.
It's a fact. Have you curled up & died? No you haven't.
You fought to get back what you had lost, you're doing what you have the
capacity to do with every part that you can manage to do it with. That's
enormous girl!
I've been tearing my hair out with stuff myself this week. It's
stressful, frustrating & I don't know how or when things will get easier
in certain areas. But you know what? It's ok. It will continue to be ok.
I always say one way or another, no matter how *I* feel things are... God
has always, ALWAYS seen me through. I just keep putting my faith and
myself back in His hands.
The challenges I have faced in my life... I firmly believe I agreed
to this path. My kids needed someone strong enough to hold the course no matter
what. To get them through everything while still being willing to kick their
rears & not allow Autism to become an excuse for anything. I can do
that! I do do that & always will. The things I've been through have
shaped me. If I hadn't been through so much, could I be here today
supporting you, loving you, inspiring you like you said I do? No... it
wouldn't be possible, because I wouldn't be who I am. Without my past I'd be
different. So to me, it's worth it. I'm grateful for the path I have travelled,
I really am.
I know not everyone believes in God, and that's ok... you have the right to make that choice yourself. Whether you believe in God, The Universe, Allah or whoever or whatever you choose, I'm cool with that :) For me, it's God and His Son Jesus Christ. Some days I am better at holding to my faith than others, some days I feel it has slipped through my fingers and I wonder how I will ever get it back. I usually end up finding it's there, I've just hidden it from myself because I've allowed the mountain of self doubt get too high.
No one is any better than anyone else, we all have different paths. I don't tend to see my path as being harder than other peoples, I just see it as different. I know most people would disagree with me there, because I've been told that time & time again, but I don't see it as harder. Once again it comes down to the subjective view of each person.
Has my path be difficult? Absolutely. Has it hurt? Yes... sometimes more than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. I still carry many of those hurts, hidden deep away inside myself. I'm the queen of hiding stuff away from myself & not wanting to face them lol.
Bit by bit though, I'm striving to pull back each layer, and finally deal with my issues once and for all. It's hard work, but worth it. Just as I've grown with each step along my path, I'm finding I'm also growing as I face things. Reality is, I made my choices in life, so it's high time I learned to own them. It's also learning to own and accept that fact that I'm human. I have both good days and bad days. I make good choices and bad choices. Sometimes I step back & think holy s** I screwed that one up big time, but instead of holding onto that feeling, it's letting it go and moving on. Each thing I learn to let go of, is one more ray of sunshine in my life... and I'm loving watching that sunlight grow bit by bit, day by day. It's awesome.
~M~
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